- Basics -

• Get a car.

• Take Fountain.

• It takes 20 minutes to drive anywhere in LA, pending this simple formula: 2 Minutes ≤ 20 Minutes ≤ 2 Hours. 

• Traffic is unpredictable and unavoidable; develop a love for books on tape; surrender.

• LA has the best food in the world; find it.  It is not found in national chains, the Beverly Center or the Grove.  It is found in strip malls, The Farmers' Market(s), and city-protected run down shacks (ie. Irv's, Phillip's and El Pollo a la Brasa).  A go-to cheat sheet is Jonathan Gold's 99 Essential.  ***It should be noted that cravings count.  While I maintain that the finest restaurants in LA are unique, sometimes you just want MacDonald's... so super size that shit. 



• Make no mistake: Hollywood is a toilet.


• The best beaches are north of Santa Monica.  I have personally experienced sand mites burrow into my skin after spending an hour asleep on the beach in Venice.  This is unpleasant.  Don't spend time on these beaches; spend time on the boardwalk, Santa Monica pier and 3rd street to get your LA/beach touristy fix.


• The South Bay beach area is filled with those who never wanted to leave college and/or the college frat/sorority scene.  People here are drunk, loud, unfunny and depressing.


• Downtown is slowly becoming a fun place.  It's still dirty, dangerous and diseased; however there is a pleasant emergence of fun clubs and speak-easy bars (ie. The Edison, Seven Grand and Library Bar).  Lots of people choose to live in downtown lofts and swear by it.  I did this for one year and found it lonely and cold.  I resolve that downtown is a great place to visit friends and spend one or two nights a month going out on the town.


• The best theatres are The Landmark, The Arclight and AMC Century City.  The Nuart on Santa Monica Blvd. plays great random oldies.


• West Hollywood is bizarre.  Super gentrified, but where the freak flags fly.  Undoubtedly recognized as the gay district of Los Angeles; one will not be surprised to see grown men in daisy dukes and high heels strutting down the boulevard, slobbery red sucker in-hand.  That said, WeHo is where I live. 
Safe neighborhoods with trees, sidewalks and friendly people walking their dogs.  Great restaurants and a diverse, active community.  It is not a gay-exclusive place; you can be fabulous with a boat load of queens at the Abbey, then walk across Santa Monica Blvd and watch the game with old college friends at Barney's.  I'm bias, but I love this place.




---More to Come---